Sights 2020

I have written and re-written this post three times now. I wanted to do an “Ode to the Decade”, and discuss how literally everything is different. Considering I was 16/17 when the decade started- duh?

I wanted to touch on where I’d been, what I felt I “overcame”, people that didn’t make it to the new decade, where I thought I’d be. The writing of it just felt, off. There was bitterness to it. There’s a harsh reality to the lessons you learn, but that’s not the tone I’m setting for 2020.

A new decade is exciting, but it doesn’t require a dissection of the past. So I wont do that. (Even if that post was saved in my drafts and ready to go.)

For 2020 I want to work on focusing on the present moment, and preparing for what I want to accomplish. Life is a mountain range. There are peaks, there are pits, and once you reach the top you have to come back down eventually. So again I – duh, that the last decade, the last year, even the last month has been a roller coaster. C'est la vie!

It takes the smallest moment to alter your perspective. Mine was this morning when my bestie knew my nail polish choice being 1,000+ miles away. I laughed, and then I felt gratitude for having someone in my life that knows me so well. That’s when I knew I couldn’t post the melancholy bullshit I had planned. We’re focusing on the now, and we’re continuing the practice of gratitude.

I will say this: The last decade was sprinkled with beautiful people, and wonderful memories.

Here’s to the next decade, may it bring health, happiness, and an abundance of love. Cheers guys! Have a safe and Happy New Year! 

Wrapping It Up

December came and went with the blink of an eye. I started stocking up for Christmas in October and I still found myself at Target today for a couple last minute gifts that I’ve been too lazy to pick up. I love December. I love the lights, the music (sue me), the cold, the atmosphere in general – I just love. 

I finished wrapping the last of the presents; they’re under the lit tree. I’m currently wrapped up in a blanket with The Holiday playing in the background. All I need is a hot chocolate and I’m set. This is one of the few quiet moments I’ve had the last couple of weeks and I’m soaking it all in.

The peaceful moment has me reflecting on the last year and what a rollercoaster it was. 2019 wasn’t a bad year by any means, but it tested me for sure. 2019 taught me vulnerability, and most importantly- boundaries.

I have no earthly idea what 2020 will bring, or Santa for that matter. (Really excited about that.) I do know the first half of 2020 is going to be the busiest I have ever been. I’ve been slowly preparing myself for the challenge. Most excitingly, I will FINALLY be graduating with my degree in production. I’m excited for what’s in store, uncertainty and all. I'm hoping to close out 2019 with a post to the decade, so I'll stop the future talk here.

I hope Santa brings you everything you wished for and more. May you enjoy time with loved ones, and smile remembering ones you might be missing. Merry Christmas- may it be a safe and wonderful one.  

Happy Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. Your only expectations are to show up, cook/eat, and spend time with your family. That’s a holiday I can get behind. One of my old friends posted a note on Facebook of a list of 50 things she was thankful for. I don’t have time to go to 50 (seeing as how I didn’t think of making a post until an hour before I have to head over to my moms), but I figured I’d make my own version.

Things I’m thankful for:

·      Family

·      Friends

·      Health

·      Mountains

·      Music

·      Dogs

·      Books

·      Medicine

·      Fresh air

·      Clean water

·      My internship

·      Pictures

·      All of you who read this little blog, thank you

This list is truly infinite, but I’ll stop there. Take a minute today to pause and allow yourself to feel gratitude. No one has it all, no one has a perfect life, so just be thankful for what you do have- right now. What are you thankful for? I’d love to hear it. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Imposter Syndrome

Someone asked me how long I’d been a videographer and I froze. I didn’t know how to answer because I have never considered that I was one. I don’t feel like I’ve “earned” the title. I also had a friend refer to me as a “writer” and I nearly corrected him because again, it’s a title I feel I don’t deserve. No matter what I do, no matter what I accomplish- it’s never enough. I’m always focused on “what’s next?” Since I’m too busy looking forward, I forget to celebrate what I just accomplished.

My internship was a to-be-determined on how long they were going to keep me. It was either going to end in December or June. That’s a pretty big difference. So I worked my butt off to make sure they liked me, and that I was consistent and reliable. They even had me travel to New York with the team to live Tweet and photograph their match. (That was a peak life moment for me.) I felt like that was proof that I was doing a good job. It came time to register for my final semester (can I get a hallelujah?!) I had to suck it up and ask the terrifying question of “do you want to keep me?” It took me days to ask. I was positive they were going to say: “thanks for your efforts, we will be moving forward without you.” That was not the response I got, and they were excited for me to move on until June.  

Being in a male dominated company had me terrified they were going to replace me with another dude. This is men’s rugby after all- the men of men. One of the files I’m added in is literally called “Men of ____”, my last group email started with “gents”, and group talks usually end in “thanks lads.” Let me be very clear that absolutely no one has made me feel insignificant, or different. In fact, they have gone beyond to make sure I feel like I’m part of the team. I just let my mind take over and let fear tell me that I’m not doing enough. That I am not enough. I don’t feel like I deserve this internship.

I was watching a video on YouTube from a clip of the Ellen show. James Corden was on and he was talking about how he rented his furniture because he knew The Late Late Show was going to realize they made a huge mistake and fire him. It took him nearly 4 years to purchase a sofa. I love James Corden. I think he is so talented, and funny. I was shocked to hear he thought he wasn’t going to make it. There was comfort in knowing that someone quite successful battles with that “I’m temporary” feeling. He also mentioned feeling in superior to his peers. It made me realize that people we look up to, admire, people who inspire us to dream big also doubt themselves. It made me want to be a little gentler with myself. Of course I deserve this internship. I’ve been working really hard to earn my keep until June. Of course I’m a writer, even if I don’t publish anything ever. I have this blog that I share, and that’s writing. Yes, I am a videographer – it’s just not the focal point of my degree. I think we all need to be reminded from time to time that we’re doing the best we can and that is enough more times than not. So, in case no one has told you today- you’re killing it, they like you just fine, you’re doing amazing sweetie.

Boundaries & Acceptance

If you’re anything like me, you hold onto people even if they treat you poorly because you love and care about them. If you’ve learned your boundaries, congratulations and what’s your secret? I’m still working on those. I am a people hoarder. I don't know how to cut people out of my life. I choose to see the good in everyone. I see their potential, and I hold onto that because I’ve convinced myself it’s there. I am a person that gives ample opportunity for someone to change. I give endless chances. This is probably the worst thing I continuously do to myself. It has gotten to the point where I kept letting someone hurt me and return so many times that at this point; it’s my own fault.

However, last month, I finally cut off the person who had me in this endless cycle. It took substantially hurting my feelings, but I did it. Breaking the cycle was one of the hardest things I’ve tried to do. Honestly, I’m still working on the acceptance part. It’s the acceptance of reality that’s the hardest. It’s the realization that someone who truly cares about you doesn’t treat you like recycling. I've allowed this person to come and go as they please as if my life has a revolving door. I have no more room for narcissits in my life. *In my best AOL voice* – “Goodbye.”  

I think it’s good to give people second chances. I think it’s good to see the best in a person. I think it’s good to love unconditionally. But it’s also good to set your boundaries, and accept the heartbreaking realization when enough is enough.

It Came in Three's

grat·i·tude

/ˈɡradəˌt(y)o͞od/

Learn to pronounce

noun

1. the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.

   "she expressed her gratitude to the committee for their support"

I’ve been trying to find the courage to talk about all of the great things that have happened lately, but I’ve stopped myself out of fear they’ll be taken away.

I’m aware how stupid that is, especially considering these aren’t things that can get up and walk away. They’re not people.

Since 2019 seems to be my path to vulnerability I’ll continue on it and speak about the good.

Last month three things happened. It’s funny because I feel like it came out of no where, but I’ve been working so hard for so long that that is most definitely not the case.

The good stuff:

1.     My financial aid appeal was approved so it was re-instated.

(I had “too many credit hours” so it was revoked even though my GPA is 3.3.)

2.     I got my SCUBA certification

(Finally, after 9 years I did the damn thing.)

3.     I got an internship with a professional sports team

(I film their games/practices, edit, tag plays and upload for the stats team.)

All of this happened in the same weekend too. It was almost overwhelming, but so beyond welcome. I’ve been really busy, but I’ve also had more time with my friends and family thanks to a more consistent schedule. I am in a permanent state of gratitude and slight disbelief.

I could do a whole other post on how much I’ve appreciated my friends through all of this. It was one of my friends who showed me the internship in the first place! (He also gave what was apparently the greatest recommendation ever, so thanks B.) On top of that, I’ve received nothing but genuine joy and excitement for everything. I’ve never felt so much love. I knew I chose a good group of people, but turns out I chose/was blessed with exceptional people. (Not that I didn’t already know that but ya know!) It even gave me the courage to start weeding out the people who don’t make me feel that love. Gratitude, I have so much gratitude.