In Taylor
Swift’s new documentary on Netflix she talks briefly about an eating disorder.
A few years ago she would see photo’s of herself and basically criticize
herself, or allow others criticism turn into anorexia. In the documentary she
caught herself having rude thoughts about a photo of herself and she goes: “No,
we don’t do that anymore. We’re changing the channel because we don’t do this
anymore.” That statement really hit me. This is something I’ve been trying to
practice for years. There are days where I lose the battle, but all in all this
process worked for me.
After my 6
year long relationship ended and I was replaced in a month and a half, my
self-esteem was lower than ever (and it was horrendously low to begin with.) Every
morning when I was getting ready I would berate myself in the mirror. I had a
laundry list of things I hated about myself visually, and I made sure to name
them all by the time I was out the door. One day I hit this wall of pure
desperation. I remember crying in the mirror telling myself I couldn’t leave
until I found one thing just ONE thing that I liked about myself.
The first
thing I ever liked about myself was a freckle on my lip. Then everyday when
getting ready, after I was done with the list of hates I told myself: “but I
like my freckle.” Once I believed it, I moved on to find something else I liked
about myself. I wouldn’t move on to add another positive until I truly believed
the last. (I did eventually allow myself to list things about myself on the
inside too because that also needed to be built back up.) Rinse and repeat.
This process took about a year. Eventually my list of hates and likes were the
same length.
I can’t pin
point the exact day, but I got ready one morning and there was no list. I
didn’t have to convince myself I was anything because I felt like enough. I
didn’t tell myself I hated my hair and follow it up with: “but I like…” I
simply, got ready. I left the mirror with a smile that day and many days since.
I’m not
perfect, and this was not fool proof. The other week every mirror I walked by I
listed something negative about myself. Once I realized I was doing it; I tried
to change the channel. It didn’t work that day. I didn’t want to force myself
to list something positive, so I told myself: “This is just a bad day.” For the
rest of that day I didn’t allow myself to look in the mirror. (It’s harder than
I thought to floss without looking.) I took the privilege of berating myself
away.
The game of
mindfulness is a fragile one. Building myself back up was one of the most
difficult things I’ve ever done. I had to do it alone because I didn’t believe
anyone when they said anything kind about me. No comments, or likes would ever
have been enough for me to trust someone’s opinion. I would discredit any
compliment given. Now I smile and say “thank you.” These battles are tough, but
they’re worth the fight. If you’re struggling with self love- give the list a
try. Find that ONE thing you like, and change the channel. Start with a freckle.
