Growing Out of It

 Maybe it's just 2020, but a lot of things have lost their magic, or their appeal if you will. 

First on that list: drinking. Honestly, it's exhausting and shots are disgusting. We all work 40+ hours a week, and now I'm supposed to drink until 3am? Oh honey, no. I'll take a glass of wine and a movie on Netflix. You're welcome to join, bring the snacks (and the Tums). 

Next: Halloween. Yep, I said it. This year I dreaded dressing up. I had a party to go to that, yep, I dreaded going to (no offense, love ya'll mean it.) Coming up with a costume, going out at 9pm (and by out I mean to the social distance "party" at a well quarantined household) "celebratory" shots, drinking games, more shots. Oh my god. Honestly, I just wanted to watch Hocus Pocus and give out candy, and tell every kid how cute/scary/awesome they looked. Next year we're doing a fire pit in the driveway and being those people. This is where I'm at in life. 

I've also become that person that calls instead of texts because, uh-huh, it's easier. Making plans? I'm going to call you so we don't have to do the whole back and fourth thing. Because, again, whose got the time? Once the plan is made I can text whomever else with all the details and they can be like "yes, this works" or "not this time." Simple. Lets keep things simple. 

Honestly, texting in general. I barley talk to anyone anymore. Nothing is really that important that I have to be texting someone all day every day. Besides, what will we talk about when I see you if we already have the last 5 day play-by-play? Small texts here and there throughout the week are plenty. 

Material things. Granted, I kind of grew out of that around middle/high school. I could have a Kate Spade purse or a plane ticket to New York. I'll take New York, thank you. (I did get a new Kate Spade wallet, but it was 70% off and I ran over my last one with my car. Long story. Not really. It fell out in the driveway, I didn't notice, and proceeded to run it over.) Everything is measured in "what could I experience if I saved this money?" That's saved me a lot throughout the last few years. It payed for my trip to Ireland in May. 

The older I get the less tolerance I have for complicated. Complicated people, situations, or whatever. Am I the only one who can't be bothered? The only thing that's safe is Christmas. It isn't the gifts that I love, but the atmosphere. The lights, the cold air, the snow (a girl can dream), the decorations, the food, the quality time. Ahh yes, Christmas is safe. 

Exclude Yourself From This Narrative

I was scrolling through social media and came across this meme that broke my heart. (I'll pop it in at the bottom.) In it was one of the cruelest things I used to tell myself. It has been my biggest obstacle. Self doubt, anxiety, anger that I didn't do things differently. That cruel narrative that I haven't done enough used to consume me. 

The fear of failure, the fear of disappointing someone, fear of making the wrong choice. 

 I accomplished a lot in the last year and a half. Probably the most I've done since graduating high school. I also lost a lot with the down pour that is 2020. That picture floods me with empathy because I related to it so much, but at some point we have to throw out that narrative. We have got to stop comparing our lives to others. Social media has made this comparison game so much worse. It's so easy to see these polished pictures of smiles, nice things, these adventures and take them at face value. Even the happiest people have issues, hurdles, and doubts. 

No one is perfect. We graduate high school and that's it. The flood gates open, and I hope you have a life raft because it's unknown seas from here. Life will happen. It'll happen to us, for us, and sometimes it'll feel against us. Some will move slower than others, and that's ok. I was one of those people. We're supposed to make mistakes. We're allowed to change our minds after getting a degree, it's ok to reinvent ourselves. Sometimes we have to start over to accomplish that. 

Shred the note, burn it, toss it in the bin. Whatever you have to do to stop telling yourself you should have done more by now. You've done enough. You've done what you can, and despite what you might think - you have grown. 

Even if it doesn't feel like it, you're exactly where you need to be. Even if that place is the shittiest hole you've ever dug yourself. Because even that will turn into a stepping stone, though it might not feel like it right now. 

 In case no one has told you today, you're doing great. To quote the one and only Mike, The Situation: "The come back is greater than the setback." (Yes, I am quoting Jersey Shore.)

Face Value

I've allowed myself to be a doormat. I accepted the way some people treated me because I'd rather be ran over than lose someone I care about. However, throughout the last year, I've lost my tolerance for bullshit. It's one of the best feelings ever. I've learned how to accept people at face value.

Recognize the patterns of people who think they can come and go in your life. Recognize when you're being taken advantage of, or you're not getting the same amount back from another person. Some days relationships (friendships, lovers, family) are 20/80, 10/90, 70/30, 50/50, 100/100. That's ok, but when it's 80/20 most of the time and you find yourself exhausted by this person, it's probably time to let go. 

If you show me a behavior, or a pattern that disturbs my peace- I will no longer entertain it. Learning how to stand up for myself hasn't been easy, but it's necessary. It doesn't make you a bitch, it doesn't make you stubborn , it means you respect yourself enough to no longer accept what doesn't enrich or fulfill you. No one is perfect, people make mistakes. That's inevitable. I don't suggest giving up on someone you love because they don't agree with you, or you get into an argument. But when someone shows you their true colors, believe them. You'll know it when you see it. We're leaving the toxicity behind with the rest of 2020.  Alexa play: Thank you, Next by Ariana Grande.