Imposter Syndrome

Someone asked me how long I’d been a videographer and I froze. I didn’t know how to answer because I have never considered that I was one. I don’t feel like I’ve “earned” the title. I also had a friend refer to me as a “writer” and I nearly corrected him because again, it’s a title I feel I don’t deserve. No matter what I do, no matter what I accomplish- it’s never enough. I’m always focused on “what’s next?” Since I’m too busy looking forward, I forget to celebrate what I just accomplished.

My internship was a to-be-determined on how long they were going to keep me. It was either going to end in December or June. That’s a pretty big difference. So I worked my butt off to make sure they liked me, and that I was consistent and reliable. They even had me travel to New York with the team to live Tweet and photograph their match. (That was a peak life moment for me.) I felt like that was proof that I was doing a good job. It came time to register for my final semester (can I get a hallelujah?!) I had to suck it up and ask the terrifying question of “do you want to keep me?” It took me days to ask. I was positive they were going to say: “thanks for your efforts, we will be moving forward without you.” That was not the response I got, and they were excited for me to move on until June.  

Being in a male dominated company had me terrified they were going to replace me with another dude. This is men’s rugby after all- the men of men. One of the files I’m added in is literally called “Men of ____”, my last group email started with “gents”, and group talks usually end in “thanks lads.” Let me be very clear that absolutely no one has made me feel insignificant, or different. In fact, they have gone beyond to make sure I feel like I’m part of the team. I just let my mind take over and let fear tell me that I’m not doing enough. That I am not enough. I don’t feel like I deserve this internship.

I was watching a video on YouTube from a clip of the Ellen show. James Corden was on and he was talking about how he rented his furniture because he knew The Late Late Show was going to realize they made a huge mistake and fire him. It took him nearly 4 years to purchase a sofa. I love James Corden. I think he is so talented, and funny. I was shocked to hear he thought he wasn’t going to make it. There was comfort in knowing that someone quite successful battles with that “I’m temporary” feeling. He also mentioned feeling in superior to his peers. It made me realize that people we look up to, admire, people who inspire us to dream big also doubt themselves. It made me want to be a little gentler with myself. Of course I deserve this internship. I’ve been working really hard to earn my keep until June. Of course I’m a writer, even if I don’t publish anything ever. I have this blog that I share, and that’s writing. Yes, I am a videographer – it’s just not the focal point of my degree. I think we all need to be reminded from time to time that we’re doing the best we can and that is enough more times than not. So, in case no one has told you today- you’re killing it, they like you just fine, you’re doing amazing sweetie.