27

We've officially reached the half-way mark on 2020 and I think I speak for most of us when I say: "Thank God." I've struggled with posting the last few months because the world is the most fucked up I've seen it in my 27 years of life. It doesn't feel right talking about myself and whatever breakthrough, or breakdown I'm having. Between the pandemic and the protests, my problems are so miniscule. 

Tomorrow I turn 28 and I wanted to talk about the growth a year can have, but this just isn't the time. I hope you have the courage to stand up for what you believe in to help create a positive change because we are long overdue. Stay healthy, and stay safe.

  

2020

           I think we can all agree that this is a weird time for humanity. No one really knows what to do, we can't actually do much of anything, or go anywhere.  Jobs are in jeopardy, you can't find toilet paper anywhere. Straight up 2020 has turned into one big WTF? And it's only March.

Last month I was in Breckenridge with my friends, snowboarding, sharing food, and laughing. Now- The lifts are closed, flights are not worth the risk, you can't eat out, we can't see friends, and seriously- who tf is buying all the toilet paper?

        The state the world is in right now is absolutely dumbfounding. We all seem to be stuck in this perpetual state of nothing to do, but keeping ourselves busy. I got lucky in scheme of things. I've been busy with work and I can't even begin to express how thankful I am for that.

 I wish I had anything else to talk about, or something else to say but I truly am at a loss for words here. I know someone who lost a relative to this virus. My best friend can't leave his house or see anyone at all. This is insane.

           As horrible, and crazy as this is- I hope your spirits are intact. I hope you can find the positives in each day, and make the most of our current reality. It's a little fucked up, but I find some comfort in knowing the entire world is in this together right now. To everyone who has lost something (whether it be a family member, or your graduation/wedding/prom being canceled) because of this crisis, I am truly sorry. I hope we can all hold onto our sanity, and first and foremost-  I wish you health and the health of those around you. Please, be mindful. Eventually the world will find the new standard for business as usual, but until then...Stay healthy, and be safe.

#AloneTogether

One thing that gets me through just about anything is music, so here are some songs I've been listening to this quarantine season: 

Good News - Mac Miller

Modern Loneliness- Lauv

Happy - Oh Wonder

See Through- The Band CAMINO

If the World Was Ending - JP Saxe & Julia Michales 

Heartbreak Weather - Niall Horan

Sunseeker - The Naked and Famous 

Closer - Made in LA 

Dance Away With You - Picture This

I Wish I Never Met You - Oh Wonder 

A Thousand Bad Times - Post Malone 

Tragic - Jillian Jacqueline

Love You For A Long Time - Maggie Rogers 

Changing the Channel

            In Taylor Swift’s new documentary on Netflix she talks briefly about an eating disorder. A few years ago she would see photo’s of herself and basically criticize herself, or allow others criticism turn into anorexia. In the documentary she caught herself having rude thoughts about a photo of herself and she goes: “No, we don’t do that anymore. We’re changing the channel because we don’t do this anymore.” That statement really hit me. This is something I’ve been trying to practice for years. There are days where I lose the battle, but all in all this process worked for me.

            After my 6 year long relationship ended and I was replaced in a month and a half, my self-esteem was lower than ever (and it was horrendously low to begin with.) Every morning when I was getting ready I would berate myself in the mirror. I had a laundry list of things I hated about myself visually, and I made sure to name them all by the time I was out the door. One day I hit this wall of pure desperation. I remember crying in the mirror telling myself I couldn’t leave until I found one thing just ONE thing that I liked about myself.

            The first thing I ever liked about myself was a freckle on my lip. Then everyday when getting ready, after I was done with the list of hates I told myself: “but I like my freckle.” Once I believed it, I moved on to find something else I liked about myself. I wouldn’t move on to add another positive until I truly believed the last. (I did eventually allow myself to list things about myself on the inside too because that also needed to be built back up.) Rinse and repeat. This process took about a year. Eventually my list of hates and likes were the same length.

            I can’t pin point the exact day, but I got ready one morning and there was no list. I didn’t have to convince myself I was anything because I felt like enough. I didn’t tell myself I hated my hair and follow it up with: “but I like…” I simply, got ready. I left the mirror with a smile that day and many days since.

            I’m not perfect, and this was not fool proof. The other week every mirror I walked by I listed something negative about myself. Once I realized I was doing it; I tried to change the channel. It didn’t work that day. I didn’t want to force myself to list something positive, so I told myself: “This is just a bad day.” For the rest of that day I didn’t allow myself to look in the mirror. (It’s harder than I thought to floss without looking.) I took the privilege of berating myself away.

            The game of mindfulness is a fragile one. Building myself back up was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. I had to do it alone because I didn’t believe anyone when they said anything kind about me. No comments, or likes would ever have been enough for me to trust someone’s opinion. I would discredit any compliment given. Now I smile and say “thank you.” These battles are tough, but they’re worth the fight. If you’re struggling with self love- give the list a try. Find that ONE thing you like, and change the channel. Start with a freckle.

Sights 2020

I have written and re-written this post three times now. I wanted to do an “Ode to the Decade”, and discuss how literally everything is different. Considering I was 16/17 when the decade started- duh?

I wanted to touch on where I’d been, what I felt I “overcame”, people that didn’t make it to the new decade, where I thought I’d be. The writing of it just felt, off. There was bitterness to it. There’s a harsh reality to the lessons you learn, but that’s not the tone I’m setting for 2020.

A new decade is exciting, but it doesn’t require a dissection of the past. So I wont do that. (Even if that post was saved in my drafts and ready to go.)

For 2020 I want to work on focusing on the present moment, and preparing for what I want to accomplish. Life is a mountain range. There are peaks, there are pits, and once you reach the top you have to come back down eventually. So again I – duh, that the last decade, the last year, even the last month has been a roller coaster. C'est la vie!

It takes the smallest moment to alter your perspective. Mine was this morning when my bestie knew my nail polish choice being 1,000+ miles away. I laughed, and then I felt gratitude for having someone in my life that knows me so well. That’s when I knew I couldn’t post the melancholy bullshit I had planned. We’re focusing on the now, and we’re continuing the practice of gratitude.

I will say this: The last decade was sprinkled with beautiful people, and wonderful memories.

Here’s to the next decade, may it bring health, happiness, and an abundance of love. Cheers guys! Have a safe and Happy New Year! 

Wrapping It Up

December came and went with the blink of an eye. I started stocking up for Christmas in October and I still found myself at Target today for a couple last minute gifts that I’ve been too lazy to pick up. I love December. I love the lights, the music (sue me), the cold, the atmosphere in general – I just love. 

I finished wrapping the last of the presents; they’re under the lit tree. I’m currently wrapped up in a blanket with The Holiday playing in the background. All I need is a hot chocolate and I’m set. This is one of the few quiet moments I’ve had the last couple of weeks and I’m soaking it all in.

The peaceful moment has me reflecting on the last year and what a rollercoaster it was. 2019 wasn’t a bad year by any means, but it tested me for sure. 2019 taught me vulnerability, and most importantly- boundaries.

I have no earthly idea what 2020 will bring, or Santa for that matter. (Really excited about that.) I do know the first half of 2020 is going to be the busiest I have ever been. I’ve been slowly preparing myself for the challenge. Most excitingly, I will FINALLY be graduating with my degree in production. I’m excited for what’s in store, uncertainty and all. I'm hoping to close out 2019 with a post to the decade, so I'll stop the future talk here.

I hope Santa brings you everything you wished for and more. May you enjoy time with loved ones, and smile remembering ones you might be missing. Merry Christmas- may it be a safe and wonderful one.