When the Risk Doesn't Produce Reward

I recently bit the bullet and told the guy I’ve been “talking” to for a while now that I’d like to take the next step. I also took the opportunity to address a few things that had happened that were bothering me. I’m naturally an over thinker. I’m also a terrible communicator who runs from conflict and vulnerability.

I try to be passive, but then I explode. That kind of response is a one-way ticket to nowhere. So I started listening to podcasts, and reading articles about effective communication, and how to become more vulnerable. I even took notes. I then wrote out what I wanted to say. I made sure to only use words with positive connotation. Doing my best to explain my feelings and how I’d hoped to carry on.

And y’all…it could not have gone any worse.

Being the over thinker that I am- I thought I’d imagined worse case-scenario.

I figured the worst thing that could happen is that I freak him out and he dips. Best case- he wants the same things I do. The only “in between” scenario I considered was- nothing changes.

            The initial reaction was pretty polite. He asked if he could think about what I said and get back to me. Let me be clear, there was no ultimatum. There was no: “give me this or I’m gone.” In fact the words “if you’re not ready then I understand.” Came out of my mouth- verbatim. There had been an obvious dynamic shift in the “relationship” prior to this “conversation” that seemed like a result of some things that had gone on that I wanted to talk about. That was my main point. I wanted to balance the pages back out. (That’s not a saying? You get what I mean.) I’m on one page, and I don’t even know where you are anymore.

            He asked to think about it. This led to days of silence, followed by a week and a half of fighting mixed with more silence. If we were speaking, we were fighting. If we weren’t fighting, we weren’t speaking. I just went from dating limbo straight to purgatory. Worst of all, there was no resolution. There were apologies, but it led to more silence. I don’t know if we’re even friends at this point? All that my efforts have led to is more anxiety and confusion.

Was it worse than I imagined? Yes.

Did I survive? Yes.

Would I do it again? Yes. 

I didn’t get the positive response I hoped for, but I grew as a result. I'm proud of my initial approach. As my irritation grew over time my effectiveness went down. As hard as I tried not to, at some point I did fight fire with fire. However, that just made another lesson. 

I took that step to open up instead of allowing everything to build up. I accepted the possible consequences, and saddled up anyway. Did it go the way I’d hoped? Hard no, but I’m proud of myself for expressing my feelings and wishes. Reward or not.