Someone asked me how long I’d been a videographer and I
froze. I didn’t know how to answer because I have never considered that I was
one. I don’t feel like I’ve “earned” the title. I also had a friend refer to me
as a “writer” and I nearly corrected him because again, it’s a title I feel I
don’t deserve. No matter what I do, no matter what I accomplish- it’s never
enough. I’m always focused on “what’s next?” Since I’m too busy looking forward, I forget to celebrate what I just accomplished.
My internship was a to-be-determined on how long they were
going to keep me. It was either going to end in December or June. That’s a
pretty big difference. So I worked my butt off to make sure they liked me, and
that I was consistent and reliable. They even had me travel to New York with
the team to live Tweet and photograph their match. (That was a peak life moment
for me.) I felt like that was proof that I was doing a good job. It came time
to register for my final semester (can I get a hallelujah?!) I had to suck it up and ask the terrifying question
of “do you want to keep me?” It took me days to ask. I was positive they were
going to say: “thanks for your efforts, we will be moving forward without you.”
That was not the response I got, and they were excited for me to move on until
June.
Being in a male dominated company had me terrified they
were going to replace me with another dude. This is men’s rugby after all- the
men of men. One of the files I’m added in is literally called “Men of ____”, my
last group email started with “gents”, and group talks usually end in “thanks
lads.” Let me be very clear that absolutely no one has made me feel
insignificant, or different. In fact, they have gone beyond to make sure I feel
like I’m part of the team. I just let my mind take over and let fear tell me
that I’m not doing enough. That I am not enough. I don’t feel like I deserve this internship.
I was watching a video on YouTube
from a clip of the Ellen
show. James Corden was on and he was talking about how he rented his
furniture because he knew The Late Late Show was going to realize they made a
huge mistake and fire him. It took him nearly 4 years to purchase a sofa. I
love James Corden. I think he is so talented, and funny. I was shocked to hear
he thought he wasn’t going to make it. There was comfort in knowing that
someone quite successful battles with that “I’m temporary” feeling. He also
mentioned feeling in superior to his peers. It made me realize that people we look up to, admire, people who inspire us to dream big also doubt
themselves. It made me want to be a little gentler with myself. Of course I
deserve this internship. I’ve been working really hard to earn my keep until
June. Of course I’m a writer, even if I don’t publish anything ever. I have
this blog that I share, and that’s writing. Yes, I am a videographer – it’s
just not the focal point of my degree. I think we all need to be reminded from
time to time that we’re doing the best we can and that is enough more times
than not. So, in case no one has told you today- you’re killing it, they like
you just fine, you’re doing amazing sweetie.
