Transparency

 Today is World Mental Health Day. I figured I'd give full transparency. 

Things have been really hard lately. It feels like everything crashed down around me at once, taking me with it. As a result, my anxiety came back with a vengeance. It's to the point where it's not really manageable anymore. I'm saying these things out loud because admitting you have a problem is not the same as admitting defeat. The stigma's behind mental health should be left in the past with all the other bullshit society has told us is unacceptable. It is fully acceptable to not be ok. It is fully acceptable to need help, and to ask for it. It is fully acceptable to have bad days. It's even acceptable to feel like you have more bad days than good. It's ok to struggle with bi-polar disorder, mania, depression, schizophrenia, eating disorders, etc. Having an imbalance doesn't make you any less of a person. It doesn't make you weak, or broken. It makes you human.  

What's unacceptable is doing it alone, lashing out at those you love, or harming yourself or others. Not everything can be solved by yourself. Sometimes the issues are deeper than your loved ones even being enough to help, and that's ok. 2020 has been a shit storm for the vast majority of the worlds population. Everything got put on hold, pushed back, turned upside and shaken up. It's ok to feel the effects. It's also ok if it has nothing to do with this year. 

Mental health is the most important part of our being. We have to take care of ourselves, and check in on each other. One of the best questions you can ask someone is: "How are you, really?" We also need to stop giving "I'm fine" as an acceptable response. Because sometimes we're not fine, and yeah - you guessed it! That is OK. 

I haven't been fine, but I will be. I have a support system, and I have a plan. I can't ask for much more than that. I hope you have a safe space you can go to, and people you can confide in. If you can't - make this your safe space. Leave a comment or even an anonymous one, and let it all out. 

I hope we can all be a little gentler, a little kinder, and a little more understanding. Take time for yourself. It's not selfish to put yourself first. It's necessary. Talk to someone, write in a journal, sleep until noon, drink lots of water, take your meds, get outside, scream into your pillow, pet a dog, take a bath, don't forget to eat something. Whatever your best is, even if it's just getting out of bed - do that. It wont make everything better, but it's a start.  

Down to Earth

I started watching "Down to Earth" on Netflix with Zac Efron and wellness expert, Darin Olien. Down to Earth is one of the most eye opening, and thought provoking shows I have ever seen. It has definitely left me with some questions of my own like: 

- Did Zac move out of Hollywood?

- Should I move to Italy and be a sheep herder? 

- Will he marry me? 

Just kidding...mostly.

Ok, ok the more important questions are:

- How do I alter my lifestyle to live a healthier, more sustainable life?

- How can I inspire others to want to make changes too? 

- How do we get mineral water accessible in our homes without creating loads of plastic waste?

- Why haven't we set up a water system like Paris? (Sparkling water fountains? Badass!) 

And the question I've had most of my life

- How do I get a job like that? (i.e traveling, experiencing different cultures, and creating)

 

Unfortunately, I don't have the answers to any of these questions. (Not yet anyway.)

I don't have all of the answers for changing my lifestyle either, but slowing down seems like a good place to start. Take time, put the phone away, cook for yourself ( and for others), cook with others, and simply, put a little bit of love in everything you do. 

This show also made me add so many things to my bucket list like: 

- Try sand boarding 

- Grow some kind of my own produce

- Hand make pasta with my friends/family

- Make a dish out of nothing but locally farmed ingredients

- Do a water tasting with Zac Efron and Anna Kendrick

(and I don't even have to leave my home to tick some of these off)

Down to Earth has given me a new appreciation for the simple things. There are 8 episodes and each one is only about 30 minutes. I hope you can take 30 minutes out of your day to slow down, and learn something. And if you figure out how to make Zac Efron fall in love with you, let me know. 

*On sustainability* "It's about just doing the right thing." - Darin Olien

27

We've officially reached the half-way mark on 2020 and I think I speak for most of us when I say: "Thank God." I've struggled with posting the last few months because the world is the most fucked up I've seen it in my 27 years of life. It doesn't feel right talking about myself and whatever breakthrough, or breakdown I'm having. Between the pandemic and the protests, my problems are so miniscule. 

Tomorrow I turn 28 and I wanted to talk about the growth a year can have, but this just isn't the time. I hope you have the courage to stand up for what you believe in to help create a positive change because we are long overdue. Stay healthy, and stay safe.

  

2020

           I think we can all agree that this is a weird time for humanity. No one really knows what to do, we can't actually do much of anything, or go anywhere.  Jobs are in jeopardy, you can't find toilet paper anywhere. Straight up 2020 has turned into one big WTF? And it's only March.

Last month I was in Breckenridge with my friends, snowboarding, sharing food, and laughing. Now- The lifts are closed, flights are not worth the risk, you can't eat out, we can't see friends, and seriously- who tf is buying all the toilet paper?

        The state the world is in right now is absolutely dumbfounding. We all seem to be stuck in this perpetual state of nothing to do, but keeping ourselves busy. I got lucky in scheme of things. I've been busy with work and I can't even begin to express how thankful I am for that.

 I wish I had anything else to talk about, or something else to say but I truly am at a loss for words here. I know someone who lost a relative to this virus. My best friend can't leave his house or see anyone at all. This is insane.

           As horrible, and crazy as this is- I hope your spirits are intact. I hope you can find the positives in each day, and make the most of our current reality. It's a little fucked up, but I find some comfort in knowing the entire world is in this together right now. To everyone who has lost something (whether it be a family member, or your graduation/wedding/prom being canceled) because of this crisis, I am truly sorry. I hope we can all hold onto our sanity, and first and foremost-  I wish you health and the health of those around you. Please, be mindful. Eventually the world will find the new standard for business as usual, but until then...Stay healthy, and be safe.

#AloneTogether

One thing that gets me through just about anything is music, so here are some songs I've been listening to this quarantine season: 

Good News - Mac Miller

Modern Loneliness- Lauv

Happy - Oh Wonder

See Through- The Band CAMINO

If the World Was Ending - JP Saxe & Julia Michales 

Heartbreak Weather - Niall Horan

Sunseeker - The Naked and Famous 

Closer - Made in LA 

Dance Away With You - Picture This

I Wish I Never Met You - Oh Wonder 

A Thousand Bad Times - Post Malone 

Tragic - Jillian Jacqueline

Love You For A Long Time - Maggie Rogers 

Changing the Channel

            In Taylor Swift’s new documentary on Netflix she talks briefly about an eating disorder. A few years ago she would see photo’s of herself and basically criticize herself, or allow others criticism turn into anorexia. In the documentary she caught herself having rude thoughts about a photo of herself and she goes: “No, we don’t do that anymore. We’re changing the channel because we don’t do this anymore.” That statement really hit me. This is something I’ve been trying to practice for years. There are days where I lose the battle, but all in all this process worked for me.

            After my 6 year long relationship ended and I was replaced in a month and a half, my self-esteem was lower than ever (and it was horrendously low to begin with.) Every morning when I was getting ready I would berate myself in the mirror. I had a laundry list of things I hated about myself visually, and I made sure to name them all by the time I was out the door. One day I hit this wall of pure desperation. I remember crying in the mirror telling myself I couldn’t leave until I found one thing just ONE thing that I liked about myself.

            The first thing I ever liked about myself was a freckle on my lip. Then everyday when getting ready, after I was done with the list of hates I told myself: “but I like my freckle.” Once I believed it, I moved on to find something else I liked about myself. I wouldn’t move on to add another positive until I truly believed the last. (I did eventually allow myself to list things about myself on the inside too because that also needed to be built back up.) Rinse and repeat. This process took about a year. Eventually my list of hates and likes were the same length.

            I can’t pin point the exact day, but I got ready one morning and there was no list. I didn’t have to convince myself I was anything because I felt like enough. I didn’t tell myself I hated my hair and follow it up with: “but I like…” I simply, got ready. I left the mirror with a smile that day and many days since.

            I’m not perfect, and this was not fool proof. The other week every mirror I walked by I listed something negative about myself. Once I realized I was doing it; I tried to change the channel. It didn’t work that day. I didn’t want to force myself to list something positive, so I told myself: “This is just a bad day.” For the rest of that day I didn’t allow myself to look in the mirror. (It’s harder than I thought to floss without looking.) I took the privilege of berating myself away.

            The game of mindfulness is a fragile one. Building myself back up was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. I had to do it alone because I didn’t believe anyone when they said anything kind about me. No comments, or likes would ever have been enough for me to trust someone’s opinion. I would discredit any compliment given. Now I smile and say “thank you.” These battles are tough, but they’re worth the fight. If you’re struggling with self love- give the list a try. Find that ONE thing you like, and change the channel. Start with a freckle.