Siren Call and the Storm

I’m a hopeless romantic. I hear the siren call, and I come every time. Sometimes those sirens are disguised as people I care about. The last one just happened to be my best friend. Let me paint you the picture of endearment, and the easy manipulation I was given.

            Intelligent, funny, blonde hair, blue eyes, loves his family, and never treated a girlfriend less than a queen.  He moved away to go to college, but we remained extremely close. We had this internal bond that I’ve never experienced with another person before, so when he called me in the middle of the night one day…I picked up. He was at bar with his friends and they were talking about regrets, and what you wished you would’ve done if you were to die tomorrow. I was his regret; I didn’t realize he would become mine.

            I’ll leave the details of the phone call between the two of us, but it was special at the time. We both confessed our feelings. Two months later, he’s dating a girl where he lives. Uh…ok…? I was upset, but I couldn’t really get mad that he found someone out where he lived. That wouldn’t be fair. That relationship of his was messy, and toxic. We were still friendly, but a little less because she didn’t like how close we were. Again, I honestly couldn’t be too mad about that because if the roles were reversed, I’d feel the same way. Long story short, they break up and he flies home for the holidays.

            Our friends and him were going out, and he calls and asks me where I am. I meet them at the bar, and after 30 minutes we were in my car discussing everything. I’m not a girl who enjoys talking about her feelings. I find vulnerability impossible, and mortifying. But I could do it with him. He kissed me goodnight, and it was like time stopped. (I almost hate myself admitting that, but it was like we were put in a vortex.) We go on a couple of dates before he leaves, and decided I’d come visit him after Christmas. The trip went great, everything was as perfect as I could’ve imagined.  We’d talk for hours on end on the phone, and he’d send me messages filled with everything I ever wanted to hear. Turns out, it was all a load of shit. I fell for his bullshit, and shame on me for that. Eventually he told me he couldn’t do it and got back with his ex. 

            That ended up not lasting, and he came crawling back with apologies. I accepted because I’m not a bridge burner, although, sometimes you need to be. I couldn’t though because I wasn’t ready to lose him completely. We kept the relationship at a friendship level, but our conversations were much more than that. Typing it all out is making me realize I fell in love with his words, not him. But I’m a Gemini. I crave that level of communication, so you can’t fully blame me. (At least that’s what I’m going to tell myself.) I’m a sucker, what can I say?

            We kept the friendship going really strong for about a year, and then he found a girl out where he lives that he really liked. That’s where I lost my mind. I kept quiet, but I couldn’t take it. He’d tell me about his dates with her, or ask me for gift ideas for Valentines Day. Just rip my heart in half. It’s fine. I’m fine. I was so not fine. I ended up walking away from the friendship. Truth of the matter was, I didn’t want to be just friends with him. It wasn’t enough for me, no matter how much I cared about him. The siren call was not worth my sanity. I’d be lying if I said it’s been over a year and I don’t miss him. Cause I do. Some days are better than others, and some days I just feel like I need my best friend. I may be a hopeless romantic, but I’m not hopelessly stupid. I know I made the right choice by swimming away from my siren. Who is the siren in your life? How’d you get over them? Did you?