We'll All Float On...

I feel like I’ve been trying to explain how I’m feeling for the past hour and I just don’t know the right way to verbalize it.  I’m really hard on myself. Like…REALLY hard on myself. Nothing I do is ever good enough, and there’s nothing I feel truly proud of. I changed my ways of thinking when it came to self-confidence. I worked really hard on myself for that, but it hasn’t fixed everything. I don’t hate what I see when I look in the mirror anymore, but I don’t care for who I am right now.

Let me restate that: I like who I am as person. I think I’m a good person, and I’m proud of that. I think I just hate where I am in life, and how hard I am on myself.

I’m an outgoing person, but I’m a timid person. I’m afraid of failure, and I’m afraid of success. I’m afraid of dying alone, and I’m afraid of falling in love. I’m afraid of change, and I’m afraid of routine. I feel like I’m just nonchalantly floating through life, terrified. Terrified of literally everything whether I love it or hate it, I’m afraid of it. When good things start happening I start to freak out because “this can’t last”. When bad things start happening I’m like “I knew this would happen”.  I just haven’t figured out how to stop that process, or how to push past the fear. So I just…float.

            I feel like I don’t know how to stop the floating. I’m stuck in my daily routine of school-work-school-work, and I hate it. I’m also afraid of what comes when that routine ends. What if I can’t get a job after I graduate? What if I got my degree in the wrong thing and I’m back to square one? Time isn’t a friend to youth, it’s fleeting and I just really want my shit together before I’m 30. How do I work past the harsh self-judgment, and the paralyzing fear of literally everything?