Normalizing Not Being Ok...

 2022 has knocked me on my ass. There is no sugar coating it. If January is any representation of how the year is going to go, I am beyond uninterested. The only thing I've been thankful for through this experience is my friends and family. 

Something happened that caused a set-back in basically every aspect of my life. Which has resulted in me being not ok. When something bad happens to us we try to put on a brave face and keep going like nothing went wrong. Why? I feel absolutely destroyed inside. It's making me a selfish friend, daughter, sister, cousin because I don't have the capacity to be there for anyone right now. Why would I pretend like I do when I don't? I broke down last week and admitted to my mom that I'm not ok. Not in a - you should worry about me, find me a grippy sock vacation kind of way. Just a, everyday is hard and nothing feels good right now, I need to be dependent kind of way. Before I told my mom, I told my friends. When I tell you I have never felt more loved in my life...I had a friend extend her vacation a day to visit me. I had another drive to where I was immediately at 10:30pm on a week night. I had multiple people checking in on me every single day. The gratitude I have for the people in my life is immeasurable and make the not being ok tolerable. 

One thing I love about this generation is how open we are to the mental health crisis. Slowly breaking the stigma around not being able to talk about it because it's uncomfortable. Of course it's uncomfortable. It's vulnerable as hell. It's allowing people to see the "broken" pieces inside of you that can't be seen with the naked eye. No one likes to admit they have "damage." But we all have some, so why aren't we talking about it? 

Today I had to ask my friend to go grocery shopping with me because when I tried a couple weeks ago, I broke down in the international aisle. I am not ok right now. It wont be like this forever. I will heal. I will have good days again that aren't tainted with stings of overwhelming pain. 

Until that day comes - I am not ok. If you're not ok, I hope you let someone know today. Everyone deserves a little extra care when they need it. Be not ok because, you guessed it, it's OK! I hope you have people you can rely on, and if you don't feel free to leave your baggage here. Make this your safe space. We can all heal together. 

The Lust of it All

 For the last 10 years I've been writing poetry for myself. After a few years of adjustments, I am pleased to announce that I will be self-publishing by the end of the year! 

I don't have an exact date yet, but the copyright has been approved and I'm just waiting on ISBN for it to be able to be identified & sold! 

I know I went silent on here and if you stuck around anyway - thank you! I can't promise I'll re-start the blog, but who knows?! I've missed my outlet. I will keep everyone posted on updates on the release of my poetry collection. It's called The Lust of it All and will be available for ebook on Amazon and Barnes & Noble. I will probably print a limited number of paperback copies. I think I also will do the B & N purchase to print as well. It just makes the most sense to have physical copies made. The only downside is this extends shipping time, but hey! Everything's a trade off. 

I hope everyone has been well and I can't wait to reconnect! 

The Good in 2020

Yesterday was one of those good days. Work was good, my friend replaced my blinker bulb (thanks Thomas!), we grabbed dinner after, it snowed (I shrieked and danced in the parking lot), we ran into some friends at dinner, Bailey and I went to Target, then got ice cream (yes, in this snow). It was just a good day. 

Since this will likely be my last post in 2020 - I thought I'd go ahead and give this year some credit. Don't get me wrong on the whole it was still a pretty big shit show, but it wasn't all bad, and my god did we learn. I figured I'd share my highlights.

In 2020 I got to snowboard down mountain peaks, SCUBA dive in Key West, take a (socially distanced safe) beach trip with my friends - twice, get a new tattoo, kayaked in Blue Ridge, skinny dipped in Crystal lake, watched two of my friends get married, hiked in a place thats been on my bucket list for years, booked a trip to Ireland, got my certification in Digital Marketing, finished my Associates, started a new job in the field I wanted, and spent a lot of time with people closest to me...even if that meant sitting on towels in the yard 6ft away from each other. This year was unpredictable for all 7 billion of us. There were plenty of trials and tribulations, but all in all, I'd say I'm pretty lucky. What were your peaks of 2020? 

Let's close it out right. Be kind, wear a mask, and do your best. You're killin' it. 

Here's a mediocre 2020 recap video

Growing Out of It

 Maybe it's just 2020, but a lot of things have lost their magic, or their appeal if you will. 

First on that list: drinking. Honestly, it's exhausting and shots are disgusting. We all work 40+ hours a week, and now I'm supposed to drink until 3am? Oh honey, no. I'll take a glass of wine and a movie on Netflix. You're welcome to join, bring the snacks (and the Tums). 

Next: Halloween. Yep, I said it. This year I dreaded dressing up. I had a party to go to that, yep, I dreaded going to (no offense, love ya'll mean it.) Coming up with a costume, going out at 9pm (and by out I mean to the social distance "party" at a well quarantined household) "celebratory" shots, drinking games, more shots. Oh my god. Honestly, I just wanted to watch Hocus Pocus and give out candy, and tell every kid how cute/scary/awesome they looked. Next year we're doing a fire pit in the driveway and being those people. This is where I'm at in life. 

I've also become that person that calls instead of texts because, uh-huh, it's easier. Making plans? I'm going to call you so we don't have to do the whole back and fourth thing. Because, again, whose got the time? Once the plan is made I can text whomever else with all the details and they can be like "yes, this works" or "not this time." Simple. Lets keep things simple. 

Honestly, texting in general. I barley talk to anyone anymore. Nothing is really that important that I have to be texting someone all day every day. Besides, what will we talk about when I see you if we already have the last 5 day play-by-play? Small texts here and there throughout the week are plenty. 

Material things. Granted, I kind of grew out of that around middle/high school. I could have a Kate Spade purse or a plane ticket to New York. I'll take New York, thank you. (I did get a new Kate Spade wallet, but it was 70% off and I ran over my last one with my car. Long story. Not really. It fell out in the driveway, I didn't notice, and proceeded to run it over.) Everything is measured in "what could I experience if I saved this money?" That's saved me a lot throughout the last few years. It payed for my trip to Ireland in May. 

The older I get the less tolerance I have for complicated. Complicated people, situations, or whatever. Am I the only one who can't be bothered? The only thing that's safe is Christmas. It isn't the gifts that I love, but the atmosphere. The lights, the cold air, the snow (a girl can dream), the decorations, the food, the quality time. Ahh yes, Christmas is safe. 

Exclude Yourself From This Narrative

I was scrolling through social media and came across this meme that broke my heart. (I'll pop it in at the bottom.) In it was one of the cruelest things I used to tell myself. It has been my biggest obstacle. Self doubt, anxiety, anger that I didn't do things differently. That cruel narrative that I haven't done enough used to consume me. 

The fear of failure, the fear of disappointing someone, fear of making the wrong choice. 

 I accomplished a lot in the last year and a half. Probably the most I've done since graduating high school. I also lost a lot with the down pour that is 2020. That picture floods me with empathy because I related to it so much, but at some point we have to throw out that narrative. We have got to stop comparing our lives to others. Social media has made this comparison game so much worse. It's so easy to see these polished pictures of smiles, nice things, these adventures and take them at face value. Even the happiest people have issues, hurdles, and doubts. 

No one is perfect. We graduate high school and that's it. The flood gates open, and I hope you have a life raft because it's unknown seas from here. Life will happen. It'll happen to us, for us, and sometimes it'll feel against us. Some will move slower than others, and that's ok. I was one of those people. We're supposed to make mistakes. We're allowed to change our minds after getting a degree, it's ok to reinvent ourselves. Sometimes we have to start over to accomplish that. 

Shred the note, burn it, toss it in the bin. Whatever you have to do to stop telling yourself you should have done more by now. You've done enough. You've done what you can, and despite what you might think - you have grown. 

Even if it doesn't feel like it, you're exactly where you need to be. Even if that place is the shittiest hole you've ever dug yourself. Because even that will turn into a stepping stone, though it might not feel like it right now. 

 In case no one has told you today, you're doing great. To quote the one and only Mike, The Situation: "The come back is greater than the setback." (Yes, I am quoting Jersey Shore.)