The Good in 2020

Yesterday was one of those good days. Work was good, my friend replaced my blinker bulb (thanks Thomas!), we grabbed dinner after, it snowed (I shrieked and danced in the parking lot), we ran into some friends at dinner, Bailey and I went to Target, then got ice cream (yes, in this snow). It was just a good day. 

Since this will likely be my last post in 2020 - I thought I'd go ahead and give this year some credit. Don't get me wrong on the whole it was still a pretty big shit show, but it wasn't all bad, and my god did we learn. I figured I'd share my highlights.

In 2020 I got to snowboard down mountain peaks, SCUBA dive in Key West, take a (socially distanced safe) beach trip with my friends - twice, get a new tattoo, kayaked in Blue Ridge, skinny dipped in Crystal lake, watched two of my friends get married, hiked in a place thats been on my bucket list for years, booked a trip to Ireland, got my certification in Digital Marketing, finished my Associates, started a new job in the field I wanted, and spent a lot of time with people closest to me...even if that meant sitting on towels in the yard 6ft away from each other. This year was unpredictable for all 7 billion of us. There were plenty of trials and tribulations, but all in all, I'd say I'm pretty lucky. What were your peaks of 2020? 

Let's close it out right. Be kind, wear a mask, and do your best. You're killin' it. 

Here's a mediocre 2020 recap video

Growing Out of It

 Maybe it's just 2020, but a lot of things have lost their magic, or their appeal if you will. 

First on that list: drinking. Honestly, it's exhausting and shots are disgusting. We all work 40+ hours a week, and now I'm supposed to drink until 3am? Oh honey, no. I'll take a glass of wine and a movie on Netflix. You're welcome to join, bring the snacks (and the Tums). 

Next: Halloween. Yep, I said it. This year I dreaded dressing up. I had a party to go to that, yep, I dreaded going to (no offense, love ya'll mean it.) Coming up with a costume, going out at 9pm (and by out I mean to the social distance "party" at a well quarantined household) "celebratory" shots, drinking games, more shots. Oh my god. Honestly, I just wanted to watch Hocus Pocus and give out candy, and tell every kid how cute/scary/awesome they looked. Next year we're doing a fire pit in the driveway and being those people. This is where I'm at in life. 

I've also become that person that calls instead of texts because, uh-huh, it's easier. Making plans? I'm going to call you so we don't have to do the whole back and fourth thing. Because, again, whose got the time? Once the plan is made I can text whomever else with all the details and they can be like "yes, this works" or "not this time." Simple. Lets keep things simple. 

Honestly, texting in general. I barley talk to anyone anymore. Nothing is really that important that I have to be texting someone all day every day. Besides, what will we talk about when I see you if we already have the last 5 day play-by-play? Small texts here and there throughout the week are plenty. 

Material things. Granted, I kind of grew out of that around middle/high school. I could have a Kate Spade purse or a plane ticket to New York. I'll take New York, thank you. (I did get a new Kate Spade wallet, but it was 70% off and I ran over my last one with my car. Long story. Not really. It fell out in the driveway, I didn't notice, and proceeded to run it over.) Everything is measured in "what could I experience if I saved this money?" That's saved me a lot throughout the last few years. It payed for my trip to Ireland in May. 

The older I get the less tolerance I have for complicated. Complicated people, situations, or whatever. Am I the only one who can't be bothered? The only thing that's safe is Christmas. It isn't the gifts that I love, but the atmosphere. The lights, the cold air, the snow (a girl can dream), the decorations, the food, the quality time. Ahh yes, Christmas is safe. 

Exclude Yourself From This Narrative

I was scrolling through social media and came across this meme that broke my heart. (I'll pop it in at the bottom.) In it was one of the cruelest things I used to tell myself. It has been my biggest obstacle. Self doubt, anxiety, anger that I didn't do things differently. That cruel narrative that I haven't done enough used to consume me. 

The fear of failure, the fear of disappointing someone, fear of making the wrong choice. 

 I accomplished a lot in the last year and a half. Probably the most I've done since graduating high school. I also lost a lot with the down pour that is 2020. That picture floods me with empathy because I related to it so much, but at some point we have to throw out that narrative. We have got to stop comparing our lives to others. Social media has made this comparison game so much worse. It's so easy to see these polished pictures of smiles, nice things, these adventures and take them at face value. Even the happiest people have issues, hurdles, and doubts. 

No one is perfect. We graduate high school and that's it. The flood gates open, and I hope you have a life raft because it's unknown seas from here. Life will happen. It'll happen to us, for us, and sometimes it'll feel against us. Some will move slower than others, and that's ok. I was one of those people. We're supposed to make mistakes. We're allowed to change our minds after getting a degree, it's ok to reinvent ourselves. Sometimes we have to start over to accomplish that. 

Shred the note, burn it, toss it in the bin. Whatever you have to do to stop telling yourself you should have done more by now. You've done enough. You've done what you can, and despite what you might think - you have grown. 

Even if it doesn't feel like it, you're exactly where you need to be. Even if that place is the shittiest hole you've ever dug yourself. Because even that will turn into a stepping stone, though it might not feel like it right now. 

 In case no one has told you today, you're doing great. To quote the one and only Mike, The Situation: "The come back is greater than the setback." (Yes, I am quoting Jersey Shore.)

Face Value

I've allowed myself to be a doormat. I accepted the way some people treated me because I'd rather be ran over than lose someone I care about. However, throughout the last year, I've lost my tolerance for bullshit. It's one of the best feelings ever. I've learned how to accept people at face value.

Recognize the patterns of people who think they can come and go in your life. Recognize when you're being taken advantage of, or you're not getting the same amount back from another person. Some days relationships (friendships, lovers, family) are 20/80, 10/90, 70/30, 50/50, 100/100. That's ok, but when it's 80/20 most of the time and you find yourself exhausted by this person, it's probably time to let go. 

If you show me a behavior, or a pattern that disturbs my peace- I will no longer entertain it. Learning how to stand up for myself hasn't been easy, but it's necessary. It doesn't make you a bitch, it doesn't make you stubborn , it means you respect yourself enough to no longer accept what doesn't enrich or fulfill you. No one is perfect, people make mistakes. That's inevitable. I don't suggest giving up on someone you love because they don't agree with you, or you get into an argument. But when someone shows you their true colors, believe them. You'll know it when you see it. We're leaving the toxicity behind with the rest of 2020.  Alexa play: Thank you, Next by Ariana Grande. 

Transparency

 Today is World Mental Health Day. I figured I'd give full transparency. 

Things have been really hard lately. It feels like everything crashed down around me at once, taking me with it. As a result, my anxiety came back with a vengeance. It's to the point where it's not really manageable anymore. I'm saying these things out loud because admitting you have a problem is not the same as admitting defeat. The stigma's behind mental health should be left in the past with all the other bullshit society has told us is unacceptable. It is fully acceptable to not be ok. It is fully acceptable to need help, and to ask for it. It is fully acceptable to have bad days. It's even acceptable to feel like you have more bad days than good. It's ok to struggle with bi-polar disorder, mania, depression, schizophrenia, eating disorders, etc. Having an imbalance doesn't make you any less of a person. It doesn't make you weak, or broken. It makes you human.  

What's unacceptable is doing it alone, lashing out at those you love, or harming yourself or others. Not everything can be solved by yourself. Sometimes the issues are deeper than your loved ones even being enough to help, and that's ok. 2020 has been a shit storm for the vast majority of the worlds population. Everything got put on hold, pushed back, turned upside and shaken up. It's ok to feel the effects. It's also ok if it has nothing to do with this year. 

Mental health is the most important part of our being. We have to take care of ourselves, and check in on each other. One of the best questions you can ask someone is: "How are you, really?" We also need to stop giving "I'm fine" as an acceptable response. Because sometimes we're not fine, and yeah - you guessed it! That is OK. 

I haven't been fine, but I will be. I have a support system, and I have a plan. I can't ask for much more than that. I hope you have a safe space you can go to, and people you can confide in. If you can't - make this your safe space. Leave a comment or even an anonymous one, and let it all out. 

I hope we can all be a little gentler, a little kinder, and a little more understanding. Take time for yourself. It's not selfish to put yourself first. It's necessary. Talk to someone, write in a journal, sleep until noon, drink lots of water, take your meds, get outside, scream into your pillow, pet a dog, take a bath, don't forget to eat something. Whatever your best is, even if it's just getting out of bed - do that. It wont make everything better, but it's a start.  

Down to Earth

I started watching "Down to Earth" on Netflix with Zac Efron and wellness expert, Darin Olien. Down to Earth is one of the most eye opening, and thought provoking shows I have ever seen. It has definitely left me with some questions of my own like: 

- Did Zac move out of Hollywood?

- Should I move to Italy and be a sheep herder? 

- Will he marry me? 

Just kidding...mostly.

Ok, ok the more important questions are:

- How do I alter my lifestyle to live a healthier, more sustainable life?

- How can I inspire others to want to make changes too? 

- How do we get mineral water accessible in our homes without creating loads of plastic waste?

- Why haven't we set up a water system like Paris? (Sparkling water fountains? Badass!) 

And the question I've had most of my life

- How do I get a job like that? (i.e traveling, experiencing different cultures, and creating)

 

Unfortunately, I don't have the answers to any of these questions. (Not yet anyway.)

I don't have all of the answers for changing my lifestyle either, but slowing down seems like a good place to start. Take time, put the phone away, cook for yourself ( and for others), cook with others, and simply, put a little bit of love in everything you do. 

This show also made me add so many things to my bucket list like: 

- Try sand boarding 

- Grow some kind of my own produce

- Hand make pasta with my friends/family

- Make a dish out of nothing but locally farmed ingredients

- Do a water tasting with Zac Efron and Anna Kendrick

(and I don't even have to leave my home to tick some of these off)

Down to Earth has given me a new appreciation for the simple things. There are 8 episodes and each one is only about 30 minutes. I hope you can take 30 minutes out of your day to slow down, and learn something. And if you figure out how to make Zac Efron fall in love with you, let me know. 

*On sustainability* "It's about just doing the right thing." - Darin Olien

27

We've officially reached the half-way mark on 2020 and I think I speak for most of us when I say: "Thank God." I've struggled with posting the last few months because the world is the most fucked up I've seen it in my 27 years of life. It doesn't feel right talking about myself and whatever breakthrough, or breakdown I'm having. Between the pandemic and the protests, my problems are so miniscule. 

Tomorrow I turn 28 and I wanted to talk about the growth a year can have, but this just isn't the time. I hope you have the courage to stand up for what you believe in to help create a positive change because we are long overdue. Stay healthy, and stay safe.

  

2020

           I think we can all agree that this is a weird time for humanity. No one really knows what to do, we can't actually do much of anything, or go anywhere.  Jobs are in jeopardy, you can't find toilet paper anywhere. Straight up 2020 has turned into one big WTF? And it's only March.

Last month I was in Breckenridge with my friends, snowboarding, sharing food, and laughing. Now- The lifts are closed, flights are not worth the risk, you can't eat out, we can't see friends, and seriously- who tf is buying all the toilet paper?

        The state the world is in right now is absolutely dumbfounding. We all seem to be stuck in this perpetual state of nothing to do, but keeping ourselves busy. I got lucky in scheme of things. I've been busy with work and I can't even begin to express how thankful I am for that.

 I wish I had anything else to talk about, or something else to say but I truly am at a loss for words here. I know someone who lost a relative to this virus. My best friend can't leave his house or see anyone at all. This is insane.

           As horrible, and crazy as this is- I hope your spirits are intact. I hope you can find the positives in each day, and make the most of our current reality. It's a little fucked up, but I find some comfort in knowing the entire world is in this together right now. To everyone who has lost something (whether it be a family member, or your graduation/wedding/prom being canceled) because of this crisis, I am truly sorry. I hope we can all hold onto our sanity, and first and foremost-  I wish you health and the health of those around you. Please, be mindful. Eventually the world will find the new standard for business as usual, but until then...Stay healthy, and be safe.

#AloneTogether

One thing that gets me through just about anything is music, so here are some songs I've been listening to this quarantine season: 

Good News - Mac Miller

Modern Loneliness- Lauv

Happy - Oh Wonder

See Through- The Band CAMINO

If the World Was Ending - JP Saxe & Julia Michales 

Heartbreak Weather - Niall Horan

Sunseeker - The Naked and Famous 

Closer - Made in LA 

Dance Away With You - Picture This

I Wish I Never Met You - Oh Wonder 

A Thousand Bad Times - Post Malone 

Tragic - Jillian Jacqueline

Love You For A Long Time - Maggie Rogers 

Changing the Channel

            In Taylor Swift’s new documentary on Netflix she talks briefly about an eating disorder. A few years ago she would see photo’s of herself and basically criticize herself, or allow others criticism turn into anorexia. In the documentary she caught herself having rude thoughts about a photo of herself and she goes: “No, we don’t do that anymore. We’re changing the channel because we don’t do this anymore.” That statement really hit me. This is something I’ve been trying to practice for years. There are days where I lose the battle, but all in all this process worked for me.

            After my 6 year long relationship ended and I was replaced in a month and a half, my self-esteem was lower than ever (and it was horrendously low to begin with.) Every morning when I was getting ready I would berate myself in the mirror. I had a laundry list of things I hated about myself visually, and I made sure to name them all by the time I was out the door. One day I hit this wall of pure desperation. I remember crying in the mirror telling myself I couldn’t leave until I found one thing just ONE thing that I liked about myself.

            The first thing I ever liked about myself was a freckle on my lip. Then everyday when getting ready, after I was done with the list of hates I told myself: “but I like my freckle.” Once I believed it, I moved on to find something else I liked about myself. I wouldn’t move on to add another positive until I truly believed the last. (I did eventually allow myself to list things about myself on the inside too because that also needed to be built back up.) Rinse and repeat. This process took about a year. Eventually my list of hates and likes were the same length.

            I can’t pin point the exact day, but I got ready one morning and there was no list. I didn’t have to convince myself I was anything because I felt like enough. I didn’t tell myself I hated my hair and follow it up with: “but I like…” I simply, got ready. I left the mirror with a smile that day and many days since.

            I’m not perfect, and this was not fool proof. The other week every mirror I walked by I listed something negative about myself. Once I realized I was doing it; I tried to change the channel. It didn’t work that day. I didn’t want to force myself to list something positive, so I told myself: “This is just a bad day.” For the rest of that day I didn’t allow myself to look in the mirror. (It’s harder than I thought to floss without looking.) I took the privilege of berating myself away.

            The game of mindfulness is a fragile one. Building myself back up was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. I had to do it alone because I didn’t believe anyone when they said anything kind about me. No comments, or likes would ever have been enough for me to trust someone’s opinion. I would discredit any compliment given. Now I smile and say “thank you.” These battles are tough, but they’re worth the fight. If you’re struggling with self love- give the list a try. Find that ONE thing you like, and change the channel. Start with a freckle.