Year of the Fearless

I’m working on releasing my fears. I had a friend text me on New Year’s, and he said: “last year was the year of the comeback. I need a theme for this year, and I don’t know what it should be.” I suggested: “Year of the fearless.” Because who can’t use a little more courage? It only took me four months to take my own advice and really start to step out. I self-depreciate when I don’t mean to, so I never talked about my blog. So…Step one: share my blog.

I love to write. I get it from my mama. Except, I’ve never seen her share anything she writes. Not even with me. It was a family member who told me she’s a talented writer. I’m not saying I think I’m talented, but I have enough to say to where I want to share it. (Hello self-depreciation, we’ll work on you later.)

One of the purposes of this blog was because I wanted people to feel less alone in those shitty feelings, we like to keep to ourselves. Whether those feelings are: rejection, stagnancy, low self-esteem, or the empty feeling of rock bottom. I think it’s important to share your experiences because not only can someone learn from your mistakes, but they can know they aren’t alone. No matter how lonely one may feel. They can know someone else went through the same situation…just the details were different.

I told a very small handful of people that I started a blog, and that’s because I was embarrassed and I was afraid of what people would think. I’m basically airing out my dirty laundry of unsuccessful dating, and struggles to find a sense of self. But haven’t we all been there? So why am I embarrassed to share something I feel proud of more times than not?

I have to stop letting fear control my life. I have to stop allowing it to dictate what I do, and how I do it. I need to take a deep breath, and jump. After all, it is the year of the fearless.

What would your first step out of fear be?

Happy Earth Day!

         

      

            Hello Earthlings, and happy Earth Day! I wanted to do something a little different than what I usually do. (Come here, complain about something- probably boys, and have some self-revelation.) I wanted to talk about Earth Day because at the end of the day one thing all 7 billion of us have in common is- we all call this planet “home.”

            I am not an expert by any means, nor am I climate change activist, but as someone who loves the outdoors- I wanted to talk about a few things that we can do to help our beautiful home today and every day. Anything I mention are non-affiliated, I just want to share my preference/experiences.

            How can you do your part today and every day? You don’t have to go vegan, or revert to the stone age methods of candles and outhouses. There are plenty of small things you can do that can make a big impact over time.

Here are some things I try my best to do:

·      Turning off the water while you brush your teeth

·      Take shorter showers

·      Use reusable water bottles

·      Brown bag it, except use a lunch box

·      Use Tupperware instead of sandwich bags

·      Bring reusable bags to the grocery store

·      Sometimes you’ll forget your reusable bags, it happens. Just find a purpose for the plastic bags you get. I use them in the small trash cans around the house. (I’ve used them as a lunch bag when I couldn’t find my lunch box and I was in a pinch.)

·      Turn off the lights when you leave a room (assuming you leaving makes the room empty)

·      Recycle whatever you can, when you can

·      Buy local! Go to a farmer’s market and support local farmers

·      Make a plan on how you can reduce waste in your household. Whether it be recycling, making food before it spoils, or going beyond and starting your own compost!

·      If you see a piece of trash, pick it up and throw it away

·      Can you carpool or bike to wherever you were headed?

·      Buy recycled clothes

·      Buy cruelty free products, and products that come in recycled bottles

I once saw Oprah Winfrey on the Ellen show and she said one thing she would never give up is her high-water pressure in the shower. Honestly, I felt that. But there are plenty of things she does in return of that extra water waste.

Healthier, smarter alternatives don’t have to be a nuisance. Most don’t cost you extra. In fact, a lot of these can save you money. Wasting less food, lower electric/water bills, you could even take your recycling to a facility for cash.

Even if you don’t alter your ways, I doubt you just sit down and burn fossil fuels in your spare time. At least get outside today. Enjoy the fresh air, take a hike, walk your dog, take the kids to the park. Take a few minutes to be grateful for the world we live in, no matter how broken it seems sometimes.

Down below is some Earth Day inspiration for you. From music to foundations that benefit not just earth, but the beautiful creatures we share it with. When we help each other- we all win!

Earth Day Playlist:

Earth – Lil Dicky

What Do I Know? - Ed Sheeran

In This Together – Ellie Goulding

Woodland – The Paper Kites

Big Yellow Taxi – I prefer the Counting Crows remake, but feel free to opt for the original by Joni Mitchell

How Far We’ve Come – Matchbox 20

Waiting on the World to Change – John Mayer

Man in the Mirror – Michael Jackson

Here Comes the Sun – The Beatles

Somewhere Over the Rainbow – Israel Kamakawiwo’ole

Earth Day Netflix & Chill

Planet Earth

Tales by Light

Frozen Planet

Wild Alaska

Earth Day Donations:

Wildlife Warriors (Wildlife conservation started by Steve & Terri Irwin)

Protect Our Winters (POW for climate change by snowboarder Jeremy Jones)

Oceana (Ocean cleanup by actor Ted Danson)

When the Risk Doesn't Produce Reward

I recently bit the bullet and told the guy I’ve been “talking” to for a while now that I’d like to take the next step. I also took the opportunity to address a few things that had happened that were bothering me. I’m naturally an over thinker. I’m also a terrible communicator who runs from conflict and vulnerability.

I try to be passive, but then I explode. That kind of response is a one-way ticket to nowhere. So I started listening to podcasts, and reading articles about effective communication, and how to become more vulnerable. I even took notes. I then wrote out what I wanted to say. I made sure to only use words with positive connotation. Doing my best to explain my feelings and how I’d hoped to carry on.

And y’all…it could not have gone any worse.

Being the over thinker that I am- I thought I’d imagined worse case-scenario.

I figured the worst thing that could happen is that I freak him out and he dips. Best case- he wants the same things I do. The only “in between” scenario I considered was- nothing changes.

            The initial reaction was pretty polite. He asked if he could think about what I said and get back to me. Let me be clear, there was no ultimatum. There was no: “give me this or I’m gone.” In fact the words “if you’re not ready then I understand.” Came out of my mouth- verbatim. There had been an obvious dynamic shift in the “relationship” prior to this “conversation” that seemed like a result of some things that had gone on that I wanted to talk about. That was my main point. I wanted to balance the pages back out. (That’s not a saying? You get what I mean.) I’m on one page, and I don’t even know where you are anymore.

            He asked to think about it. This led to days of silence, followed by a week and a half of fighting mixed with more silence. If we were speaking, we were fighting. If we weren’t fighting, we weren’t speaking. I just went from dating limbo straight to purgatory. Worst of all, there was no resolution. There were apologies, but it led to more silence. I don’t know if we’re even friends at this point? All that my efforts have led to is more anxiety and confusion.

Was it worse than I imagined? Yes.

Did I survive? Yes.

Would I do it again? Yes. 

I didn’t get the positive response I hoped for, but I grew as a result. I'm proud of my initial approach. As my irritation grew over time my effectiveness went down. As hard as I tried not to, at some point I did fight fire with fire. However, that just made another lesson. 

I took that step to open up instead of allowing everything to build up. I accepted the possible consequences, and saddled up anyway. Did it go the way I’d hoped? Hard no, but I’m proud of myself for expressing my feelings and wishes. Reward or not.   

Maybe There's Calm in the Chaos?

I grew up in a semi chaotic household. Not chaotic as in “busy”, but the chaos slid more on a madness scale. My parents were super young when they had me, they got married after I was born, and divorced before I could even remember. Don’t get me wrong; I was a very happy child. I just got accustomed to chaos.

The older I got, the more I realized the chaos. My parents were not friends, and barley even checked the “friendly” box for a while. One parent liked to have a little too much fun after work, and I’d be sat in after school program the last to leave. They were at the bar and forgot it was their turn to pick me up. The other married the walking definition of an abusive psychopath. There was always yelling echoing through the house, berating each other constantly. I didn’t grow up in calm energy.

When I got to my early twenties my parents became friends again, they ditched their bad relationships with fun and psychopaths, and I left my own emotionally abusive relationship. Calm crept in, and it came quickly. It never occurred to me that I would have to adjust to the calm.

Looking back- I realize, I’ve been recreating my own chaos ever since. Going after emotionally unavailable people, sabotaging the good relationships, unable to settle with a career path in school. I never learned how to deal with the calm. Chaos I knew I could handle. I was afraid of the ease. What if I got comfortable with the calm and it went away? So I go around like Wreck It Ralph merciless on my own life. What a first world problem to have, right?

Again, don’t get me wrong - I’m so grateful that calm has come into my life. But I never accepted it. So how do I stop the process? I feel like the first step to embracing it is realizing that I’m not. Step two is to eliminate my self-made chaos. Who or what have I brought into my life as a disrupter? It’s time to embrace the calm, and accept chaos will come on its own in its own way. But it’s time I stop hand feeding it.