Let me restate that: I like who I
am as person. I think I’m a good person, and I’m proud of that. I think I just
hate where I am in life, and how hard I am on myself.
I’m an outgoing person, but I’m a timid person. I’m afraid
of failure, and I’m afraid of success. I’m afraid of dying alone, and I’m
afraid of falling in love. I’m afraid of change, and I’m afraid of routine. I
feel like I’m just nonchalantly floating through life, terrified. Terrified of
literally everything whether I love it or hate it, I’m afraid of it. When good
things start happening I start to freak out because “this can’t last”. When bad
things start happening I’m like “I knew this would happen”. I just haven’t figured out how to stop that
process, or how to push past the fear. So I just…float.
I feel like
I don’t know how to stop the floating. I’m stuck in my daily routine of
school-work-school-work, and I hate it. I’m also afraid of what comes when that
routine ends. What if I can’t get a job after I graduate? What if I got my
degree in the wrong thing and I’m back to square one? Time isn’t a friend to
youth, it’s fleeting and I just really want my shit together before I’m 30. How
do I work past the harsh self-judgment, and the paralyzing fear of literally
everything?
I don't think anyone is ever truly okay. I can tell you right now, I'm not. I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes. Forever caught in life's will like a kite in a hurricane, but when problems overwhelm us and sadness smothers us I think it's important to remember that it's dangerous to look at your life in terms of a big picture. Many small things can add up until you look like you're staring at a tital wave coming at you. The only critical advice that I can give is to take your problems and break them apart. Like a squirrel gathering nuts for the winter, you tackle them one at a time. If you drop one, just keep moving and don't let it defeat you because you'll come back to it. It won't happen overnight but one day you'll look back at your tital wave and smile because it doesn't seem as big as it used to be
ReplyDelete