So, lets talk about it. Mental health has always been one of those tiptoe
topics. You don’t want to reveal too much about yourself, you don’t want to
offend anyone or make someone accidentally uncomfortable. But at some point or
another – we all go through something. We all break down; some breakdowns are
just easier to recover from than others.
I quickly mentioned my own face
with depression in my last post. Well, I more or less rolled over the topic.
Because that’s what we do, we don’t want to rest on it for long. To say it’s
easy to talk about your struggles would be a lie. Maybe it’s easy for some
people, but anyone who knows me will know – I am not that person. I will say this: one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done was try to combat my
depression alone.
For me, depression was a mixture of
a suppressed past, stressful present, and my cynical look at the future. I
struggled with self-love. I hated who I was, and what I looked like. I spent
most days wishing I could be anyone else. I was going to a university I didn’t
like for a major that I absolutely hated. I didn’t have a group of friends. I
had two girlfriends that I felt like I couldn’t talk to because they’re moms
with full on lives. I felt like my issues were self-made so it was my own
problem. I didn’t want to talk to my family because I didn’t want to worry
anyone or make them feel guilty in some way. I wasn’t open to making friends
because I didn’t trust anyone. I didn’t feel like anyone in my life would stay
because I thought I sucked so badly.
I hated myself, and my situation. I
hated myself for my situation because most of it was a repercussion of my own
decisions. I refused to accept my past. I had completely started to shut down
and shut out the few people I had. I became… insufferable – to say the least. I
was lashing out at everyone around me. I wasn’t sleeping. I would eat once a
day. I would lie in bed for majority of the day. I almost failed out of college.
So, finally I decided I had a choice to make. I could continue to further
destroy my life, or I could do the scary thing and ask for help.
I opted for the scary thing. Making
that doctors appointment was one of the most difficult things I’d ever done,
aside from going to that appointment and explaining what an insufferable,
despicable human I’d become. But I wasn’t alone. My best friend went with me,
she held my hand when I needed it, and held me accountable when I wanted to lie
and say: “It’s not that bad.” It was.
It was THAT bad.
So what’s my point? I’m not telling
you all of this stuff just to tell you. The purpose is – you are not alone.
There are people who care about you, and will make time for you to help you
through a tough situation. No one is perfect, despite whatever illusion social
media feeds you. We all require some extra love sometimes, from others and
ourselves. We also require acceptance, and tolerance. Again, most of those we
have to find within ourselves first. After I learned how to stop hating myself
– everything got better. It wasn’t all at once, but it came. It’s ok to
breakdown. It’s ok to give yourself time to lie in bed and forget the world.
But it’s all about getting back up after. It’s breathing through the
overwhelming emotions, the anxiety, and the sadness. It’s about knowing that
you’ve survived it, and even though it wasn’t fun you did it. If you’re
struggling with mental health, start somewhere. It can be here; it can be an
anonymous phone line, a friend, a mentor, or family. Just don’t try to go at it
alone because you don’t have to. No matter what lies you tell yourself, you’re not alone and you’re not broken.
So, lets talk about it.
Suicide hotline/crisis call center: 1-800-273-8255
